twenty.

I've been in Holland for 13 days.

Today is a Friday.

& tomorrow is my birthday.

I have been alive for 20 years.

Two decades.

Get it, girl. 

  

Weird. I tried to find all my old pictures to post since my mind is in a memory/scrapbook mode. But it was hard to sort through them all. 3/4 of my pictures suck. As I click through them, here's what comes to thought: "nope, nope, definitely nope. that person hates me. or do i hate that person? can't remember. haven't seen that person since june. haven't seen that person since i was "crazy". try to forget that person. that was a good night, oh wait, no it wasn't. ALL OF MY PICTURES ARE RUINED. i look good in this picture... but that other person isn't in my life anymore so that would be weird to post. why did i take so many pictures with you? where is that person anyway? hmm.. graduation picture maybe...oh, no pictures with anyone i still talk to. this rocks."

Things have obviously changed. If you know me well, you know that one catastrophic event after another occurred to me the day after I graduated from high school. Thus began my slow spiral into the confusion and craziness I have since overcome. Catastrophic...big word, big statement. Well, at the time... it was a big deal. Now, it's all just kind of sad. It's all just a memory. It is a scar. So, if I subtract all the crap from my last 3 years of living, my life according to photos consisted of... cheerleading, moving, working, and having the same best friends since middle school. Pretty average I suppose. In between those things I managed to dance with the same hip hop crew for 10 years, which most people don't know. Thank goodness something ended up taking me places. Dance is the reason I came to Holland, resulting in a complete revamp of my life.

The thing I like to cut out is the "good stuff", the facts people want to know. It's the adventure, the heartbreak, the mistakes, the lies, the people. Get a grip, that stuff sucked. I've spent over a year pretending most of the things I experienced, didn't happen. But I'm realizing I have to deal. I thought I could live in the same town as the person I wanted to avoid with every ounce of my being without seeing them. This past month proved wrong, twice. Memories that happened are just like the people they happened with, they're not going to just disappear. But in my case my person vanished for a year, followed by my processing skills. I've always known my life experiences make for a good story or even funny conversation. But I kept them in a separate jar on my pantry of life entitled "things to try to forget". I guess I had my time "living" and now it's time to figure out what I'm supposed to do with this life.

Currently, I'm serving in Holland with King's Kids with YWAM.

This summer, I'll go back to South Africa and do what I can to help.

And in the Fall, well I'm doing something for me.

Even though I had two years of living that resulted in more bad things than good, I've been a lucky girl. The years before proved to be productive and I've managed to remain really close with my two best friends from Houston. My time in College Station wasn't a complete waste, I still have friends from there... all new ones, but I like it that way. Plus, that's what made me grow.... and I must say where I'm at now is the best place I have ever been. And then of course, my time after gave me a bunch of random friends from the likes of people I hated in High School. (funny when that happens!) And a bunch of keepers, one of them being Bonnie.

So, here's to 20 years of living...

&& here's a few of my current favorite things:

Hope For Bottlebrush.

It's 4am in Holland, my insomnia seems to have followed me here. Bummer. I felt the itch to update my blog because I have a sweet story to tell :) The things my friends and I accomplished last week seems crazy that it came to a close so fast. Everything built up to one night. One perfect night. Of course, up until the first song played I was so nervous. My main stressor was the question if people would actually show up. The came alright, by the hundreds. I had been encouraged to pray for a specific amount of people, or a specific amount of money to be earned. But I couldn't bring myself to do that, too scary. What if I didn't achieve the numbers I had asked for? I avoided personal failure and took an "easier way" out. But I'm glad I did. I began to ask to be overwhelmed. I wanted to be shocked, awed, and blown away not only by the amount of people there, but by the amount of money we earned. My prayer was more than answered. After the last dance of the night, (Flags by Brooke Fraser....perfection), I grabbed the mic to say my thank-you's and close out the evening. I couldn't speak. I literally sobbed in front of 400 people who helped me raise $8,000 for orphans in Bottlebrush, South Africa. I mustered up a "thanks for coming" and walked off stage to be embraced by friends and family who were all either beaming or crying. That night was a good night, a big moment in my life for sure. I am so blessed to have people who believe in me, and the cause I am so passionate about. I can honestly say that my heart belongs to Africa, being in Holland means I'm one step closer to going back to where it all began. <3